The Teeter Totter

So, I've decided it's doubly challenging to be a Christian here. First of all, there is the obvious challenge of being surrounded by non-Christians that drink, smoke, hook up, cuss, and seem to have lasting joy in doing so. So first I have to keep myself from falling into sin with them, or even just falling into the mindset that their lifestyles are good and beautiful.

Secondly, there is the challenge of wanting to believe I am morally superior to them. Although I may be successful at avoiding the sins they commit, I develop a prideful heart, condemning them while glorifying myself. The latter is arguably a worse or at least more dangerous offense, as pride has a uniquely powerful effect in separating a person from God. With a sin like adultery or drunkenness, although it is displeasing to God, the sinner is able (hopefully and eventually) to experience the brokenness of acknowledging that he or she has fallen from God and does, in fact, need redemption through Jesus Christ. With pride, the very sin prevents the sinner from realizing the disparity between his or her moral state and that of Christ.

I've been oscillating between these two extremes. I see myself making compromises, falling into the worldview of the world, so I back out and refocus on Christ. However, I get too caught up in my own self-righteousness and I become a proud hypocrite. My goal is to find that balance of recognizing the world's actions as sin yet realizing my own need for a Savior.

Happy Day

So last night I was in the basement of the library doing research on my paper on Messianic Judaism, and I came across this great sermon by John Piper on how Jesus reconciles Jews and Gentiles to each other and also to God through Himself. I was so in awe of God in His infinite wisdom and power and omniscience and my inability to fully understand him. I literally wanted to stand up and shout, in the silence of the library at 10 p.m. the week of midterms, and tell people about this incredible God that loves them and invites them into communion with Him. I look around and see boyfriend/girlfriend couples giggling over clean cut MacBook Pros and sipping their nonfat mochas. I hear the person next to me ask his friend what time he plans to go out and get crunk. I was so confused. How could these people possibly be satisfied with such empty, temporal lives? I mean, I guess I kind of get the dating thing. In the words of C.S. Lewis, being in love is a good thing, but not the best thing. But when you're dating someone, you can eventually understand most of him or her, right? Or at least, you have the ability to fully know at the minimum the facts of their life. And they could tell you their life stories. Not so with God. That's what makes being single so great. There's no creation to mistakenly worship instead of the Creator.

Balance

Tonight we had our girls Bible study. It's mostly freshman girls and we're going through the book of Malachi. I joined it because I figured I would meet some close Christian girlfriends, and I'm trying to study the Old Testament and understand it more. Sometimes it's frustrating because I feel like their faith is fairly new. Like the time they were offended when my friend Gabby denied their argument that there are multiple ways to God. I don't want to be comparing my "spirituality" to theirs because that's not why I'm there, but it's hard to respond when we're discussing the crippled and impure animal sacrifices that the Israelites are giving God, and the girls say, "Why would God want to kill a cute little lamb? I thought God was gentle and sweet." Or like when we read the verse "Jacob have I loved; Esau I have hated" they complain, "How could God hate anybody? God is kind and loving." How does one respond to that? But I know something that God has been teaching me lately is to stop comparing my religiousness to that of other people. It's just stupid and totally misses the entire point of Christianity. Paul's advice to "speak the truth in love" is so simple, so profound, and so difficult for me a lot of the time.

God uses the foolishness of this world to bring shame to the wise. There is a girl in Core that is always opening up her most private struggles and dreams to guys and it would bug me so much that she is so cavalier in guarding her heart. But she is also extremely kind to the most rejected people and is unashamed to be a true friend. While I, on the other hand, usually have a hard time doing that because I care too much about what people think of me. She says God gave her a vision about what He wants her to do with her life. And that God speaks audibly to her all the time. So I guess in my self-righteousness and judging I've missed God's voice. Why am I so proud?

Christian cults

Just throwing this out there— I really don't think God intended for us to have this Christian subculture. Because I've grown up in it, it's easy for me to forget about it and mistake this subculture for the Christian faith. But they are not the same. There are parts of it that are not biblical. And the very fact that we have insulated ourselves from the world in our happy little bubble of culture is not the life Christ intended for us.

Attending a Catholic university has opened my eyes to this. I've met people who are Catholics (who are Christians, by the way) and love Christ and seek to follow His commandments that don't come from my "culture." They have never been to Spirit West Coast. They don't sing about sloppy wet kisses in their liturgy (OK, I had to include that one). They haven't been to Hume. The girls don't wear cute knee-length dresses with a cross necklace and flats to match (not to say they dress immodestly— they just wear jeans or something like that). They're not big on the Great Christian Dating Debate. They don't read Dobson or Beth Moore.

Not to say that these things are inherently wrong. Kids have learned life-changing lessons and developed strong friendships at Hume. There is great wisdom to be gleaned from Bringing Up Boys. Yes, He does love us like a hurricane...well that one's open for debate. But my point is that being a part of the Christian culture does not make a Christian. It seems obvious, but it's shocking (or at least it was for me) to meet a follower of Christ that had never heard of Chris Tomlin. But she follows hard after God. In fact, she is more involved in community service and social justice programs that the majority of Christians I know. She loves God with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Our unity is in Christ and His cross. We are one body because 2,000 years ago a Man named Jesus lived a perfect life, died a criminal's death, and rose again to reconcile us back to God. Cultural, ethnic, political, or denominational differences should not divide us. We are to be one as Christ and the Father are one. That's some pretty close intimacy!

At Wildwood this summer, there was a guy who came with our church named Dillon. He grew up in "the hood" around gangs and violence. His dad was abusive and gone physically and relationally most of the time. Drugs and alcohol were common at home and at school. He also raps freestyle, which is awesome! Jesus saved him in his late teen years. Anyway, he came to camp and became close friends with one of the counselors, Josh Cofey, who grew up in the subculture I described. Now, without Christ, these two men would have absolutely no reason to be friends. They have nothing else in common: interests, neighborhood, music taste, nothing. Yet they both know Jesus, and they became like brothers. It was a beautiful picture of the unity we have in Christ's cross.

The Great Divorce

Loving God means loving the things God loves. And hating the things God hates. Today, on the ride back to SC from a beach bonfire with the Christian club (ironically), the people in front of me were listening to and laughing over a really bitter, language-filled letter from an ex-girlfriend. It was disgusting and I wished I could just plug my ears. In my head I started singing,

Give us clean hands

Give us pure hearts

Let us not lift our soul to another

God is good. Everything that is not of him is evil, ugly. I want him. Not the shallow, selfish, instant gratification the world supplies limitlessly. He alone is good, beautiful, and true.

Being a Christian at a Christian school

So Santa Clara is very different from what I expected. The main thing that's been bothering me is the seeming hypocrisy of the university. The college is Jesuit, which is a branch of Catholicism (which is a branch of Christianity). The Jesuit society, by definition, demands poverty, chastity, and obedience to Christ and to the Pope from its members. The university itself claims to be "committed to faith-inspired values and educating leaders of competence, conscience, and compassion that will help fashion a more just, humane, and sustainable world."

So what does this look like? Students are required to take ethics and religion courses each year. Some community service is a graduation requirement. The majority of students are "raised Catholic." The president is a Jesuit father. There is a Mission Church on campus. The campus is environmentally responsible. Each dorm has a "resident minister", whose duties I am still not entirely sure, though at orientation mine informed us that one of the major reasons we are here at SCU is to discover "what truly makes us happy."

What else? The administration essentially accommodates partying through the off-campus Greek life and the "Medical Amnesty" and "Good Samaritan" programs that let you off the hook for getting caught drinking provided you look out for your buddies that are so drunk they can't get help themselves. In fact, at orientation we were encouraged to go drink and have a good time but to keep the school from finding out as long as were stayed "safe." Boyfriends and girlfriends are permitted to sleep over in the dorms. Participation is other religious traditions is highly valued and even encouraged; there is a meditation room for people of any faith and accommodations are made for students that cannot participate in an important on-campus event due to a religious holiday. The first night live entertainment was provided. I didn't go, but a similar event took place at orientation and it involved trashy hip-hop music and unapologetic grinding by our orientation leaders. The alternative provided by my dorm? Watching The Hangover in the basement, an R-rated film for sexual content and humor. Tough decision, but I had enough of that at the performing arts show for all freshmen, which began innocently enough with some improv but ended with a raunchy scene from a play in which an enraged ex-girlfriend describes all her ex's undesirable physical characteristics, the majority of which are sexual.

Call me a prude, but it's not exactly what I expected from a Catholic university. They seem to abide by the cultural notion that as long as nobody gets hurt, it's ok. We'll see how religion class goes tomorrow. At least they don't forbid morning quiet times.

"When I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

It's Cathartic

With college starting in four days, I've been clearing out everything: my room, my wallet, the car I use, Facebook (of friends I don't really know), this blog of stupid posts. The cleaning of my bedroom especially has got me thinking about the big questions. Why do I have so much stuff? What should I do with it: toss it or give it away? But if I give it away with a self-righteous attitude, does that invalidate the act? Is it better for a poor person not to have it if my heart is proud? How much money was spent on this stuff I never use/wear? What's the point of stuff anyway? Why was I so convinced it would bring me happiness? What is happiness? Why do I have so much while others have so little? Would they lead fuller lives if half the money that's been used on my stuff was given to them? What brings true fulfillment? Why does money have to exist at all? I've accumulated all this stuff but have I done anything worthwhile in 18 years of living? Is a monastic life more pleasing to God? Why am I here— in the South Valley, at this church, now in college? Should I be abstaining from all bodily pleasure entirely? Should the joy of the Lord be my strength or should I be more like the Man of sorrows by sharing in the "fellowship of his sufferings, being conformed to his death" (Philippians 3:10)? Will I be able to give an acceptable account at the judgment seat of Christ of what I've done with my abilities and resources? Is doing a few nice things for people and putting up with the difficult ones really the abundant life that Jesus intended for me?

I Am Such an Idiot

I've been reading a lot lately, especially books on Christianity and realizing that I do, in fact, know nothing. My understanding of God is so much narrower and shallower than it could become. And I look back on the times I've spoken in chapel or in a Bible study or small group. And how too often I've relied on the Christian culture or popular conceptions or my pastor's platitudes to "preach the Word." And I just trust that God is sovereign and that he speaks through us and in spite of us.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak..."

James 1:19

Riches

So tonight was my last night with the middle school girls' Bible study. I have been involved with the junior high group for a little over two years and it's been a joy. At first it was just something I did for community service but I still liked it. It wasn't until this summer when I began to realize that my nonchalant attitude needed to change: God put me here with these girls for a reason, and he wants me to put my best into it. I've come to look forward to our Friday night studies rather than thinking of them as just another 2-hour weekly church function. I've developed real relationships with the girls and I will sincerely miss them in college. The time I spent with the girls tonight— going out for Super Taqueria, having fellowship, reading the Word, and making brownies together— was more fulfilling than many of the social events I've gone to where the conversation is shallow and the relationships fake.

On Wednesday, which was my last Code Red (the middle school youth group), the youth pastor opened up the time for the kids to pray for each other. Several girls prayed for me and thanked God for putting me in their lives. It was one of the most meaningful moments I've ever experienced— knowing I had made a difference in their lives. I felt like I had done something that mattered, something that would last beyond my time on earth. I say this not to brag, but to emphasize that doing something for the kingdom of God far surpasses anything I've accomplished in school, swimming, or anything else.

I spend so much time and energy doing things that won't even matter in a few years. Why do I so often forget about the only Kingdom that will last?